So last night, I sidled up to my reserved table at one of my favorite sports bars around, Bru's Room in Boynton Beach, Florida, for a good night of watching sports and playing trivia. (Bru's Room is named for one of its proprietors, former Miami Dolphin linebacker Bob Brudzinski). Why was my table reserved, you might ask. Well, Tuesday night is trivia night, in which my boy Mark brings his company to the bar, and runs a live action trivia game in which teams compete against each other for gift certificates to the bar. My table is reserved because me and my boys usually gather at Bru's Room for trivia night. Unlike most teams, we change our name weekly. Last night, we were "The Vacuum Sealers".
Anyway, sitting at my table, with good views of the Marlins game, the Penguins decimation of the Hurricanes, the Cavs-Magic, as well as the actual NTN trivia, I was all set with my beer and wings. Then the trivia started.
Now, most of the trivia night customers are regulars. That is why the bar pays Mark to show up - he brings lots of eaters and drinkers. We recognize most of the usual suspects. However, we don't recognize this kid (mid-20's) that is sitting with what looks like his brother and a girl (not sure to whom she belonged). He is already sauced and beginning to get loud. Now, it is not quite 7:40. I foresee problems. I could not have foreseen what actually happened.
Now, I am going to skip the formality of actually listing reason #2 why we hate stupid people, as this scenario should be told without any distractions. Suffice to say, we hate stupid people.
So, the trivia game lasts about 2 hours. Now I mentioned that Beevis was already drunk when I arrived, so imagine his demeanor two hours later. He is screaming and yelling at everything. Jumping up and down at the bar. Slamming his hand on the bar when his team gets questions right. Yelling and screaming when he gets questions wrong. One of his favorite statements was "I may be young, but I am strong!" [Ed. note - he wasn't that strong]. Throughout the trivia game, he almost starts several altercations with various patrons. This is going to get ugly.
Then - the magic happened. My boy Tigger stated that it was the funniest thing that he had ever heard. It came straight from the mouth of Beevis. Now, we all say dumb things from time-to-time. We mishear questions during trivia, we are thinking of something else. However, nothing, and I mean nothing can excuse this statement.
The trivia question was, "If you spell out each number in succession, how long will it take you until you use the letter 'a'?"
We then hear, very loudly, Beevis jumping up and down yelling, "Mark it down. It's 8! 8! Mark it down, it's 8." Not quite mark it foul, but amusing nonetheless when you realize how adamant Beevis was that the answer to the question was 8. This doesn't even include the fact that teams are supposed to write down their answers and turn them in to the trivia guy, not yell them across the bar.
Surely you see where we are going here. As most of you readers will know - the number 8 is spelled "e-i-g-h-t", not "a-t-e". After Beevis' declaration, I sauntered up to Mark, the trivia guy, and said please tell me how he wrote down his answer. Beevis did not write the number "8", but rather spelled out "eight", failing to notice the lack of the letter "a".
Shortly thereafter, Beevis was cut-off and asked to leave, so I don't know what happened the rest of the evening, but I assure you, I kept laughing.
For those of you who haven't figured it out - the answer was "1000" or "one thousand".
For those that like trivia, I will give you two questions, both bonus questions from last night. The first is family fued style - which college football teams have won the most bowl games? The second was jeopardy style, which city has the most fountains? Your guesses in the comments.
Showing posts with label Reasons We Hate Stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reasons We Hate Stuff. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Reason #1 We Hate Rich People
Sean "Puffy, P. Diddy, Diddy, Whatever He Will Be Called Next" is a very successful entrepreneur and rapper. [Ed. Note - He really is not a good rapper]. He has made quite a name for himself as a rapper, music and television producer, clothing line originator, and now vodka hawker and because of his bountiful successes, he has amassed quite a fortune. And, like almost any man, he has learned how to flaunt that fortune with the best of them, including purchasing his own private plane.
However, Mr. Combs not only has grounded his plane in lieu of flying commercial airlines, but he has also gone public with this information saying that because of rising fuel prices, he has not been able to continue to fly his private jet anymore. In addition, he said, "Give a shout-out to all my Saudi Arabia brothers and sisters and all the brothers and sisters in all the countries that have oil—if you could please send me some oil for my jet, I would truly appreciate it." Combs continued "Tell whoever the next president is, we need to bring gas prices down....I can't believe I'm flying commercial.".
Well, you know what Mr. Diddy, we can't believe you are flying commercial either. And while you are begging, why don't you ask for some fuel for those that need it to travel to see family across the country, rather than those that try to maintain a lavish lifestyle on both coasts.
I am not one to pass judgment on the rich to be able to do whatever they are able to do, especially if they have worked hard for, and earned, their money. Someday I hope to be that rich.
However, don't try to pass your sad tales like not being able to maintain your private plane to the regular folks who are having problems maintaining their automobile that takes them to and from their minimum wage jobs to support their family.
So, reason #1 why I hate rich people is that once they become famous, they think we care about their perceived money problems, when the only problems they have to face are superficial.
However, Mr. Combs not only has grounded his plane in lieu of flying commercial airlines, but he has also gone public with this information saying that because of rising fuel prices, he has not been able to continue to fly his private jet anymore. In addition, he said, "Give a shout-out to all my Saudi Arabia brothers and sisters and all the brothers and sisters in all the countries that have oil—if you could please send me some oil for my jet, I would truly appreciate it." Combs continued "Tell whoever the next president is, we need to bring gas prices down....I can't believe I'm flying commercial.".
Well, you know what Mr. Diddy, we can't believe you are flying commercial either. And while you are begging, why don't you ask for some fuel for those that need it to travel to see family across the country, rather than those that try to maintain a lavish lifestyle on both coasts.
I am not one to pass judgment on the rich to be able to do whatever they are able to do, especially if they have worked hard for, and earned, their money. Someday I hope to be that rich.
However, don't try to pass your sad tales like not being able to maintain your private plane to the regular folks who are having problems maintaining their automobile that takes them to and from their minimum wage jobs to support their family.
So, reason #1 why I hate rich people is that once they become famous, they think we care about their perceived money problems, when the only problems they have to face are superficial.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Reason #2 We Hate Lawyers
Lawyers, by virtue of their jobs, sometimes get the opportunity to go to places that the average, ordinary person doesn't. For example, take Wanda Jackson of Atlanta. She is an attorney, and on January 3, 2008, she was able to walk around the office of the Body Tap Strip Club. Now, most of us will never have the opportunity to have that much access to a strip club, at least not without $81,000.
Allegedly, Ms. Jackson (go figure, a Ms. Jackson living in the home city of Outkast), was sitting in the office when the owner walked into the hall to deal with a member of our Patron Saint's entourage. Ms. Jackson "followed to gawk". Of all the things in a strip club at which to gawk, Ms. Jackson wants to go see Pacman and his entourage. Bad idea number 1. At that point, an argument ensued (don't they always). Bad idea number 2. Allegedly, our almighty Patron Saint lunged at Ms. Jackson and punched her in the left eye.
Now, if you are going to be wandering around in a strip club with the ever present Pacman, you have to learn that anything, and I mean anything, could happen. Despite being privileged to move around in locales about which the rest of us can only dream, lawyers think they can do anything, but they can't. And that is reason number 2 why we hate lawyers:
THEY CANNOT TAKE A PUNCH!
If they could, Ms. Jackson would have just given back to Pacman as good as she (allegedly) received, a scuffle would have occurred, and then they would have gone back out to the front and had beers together. (Or someone would have been stabbed or shot - who knows). Instead, Ms. Jackson asked for an arrest warrant against our Patron Saint. The nerve. Lawyers will do anything to keep our Patron Saint off the field.
Allegedly, Ms. Jackson (go figure, a Ms. Jackson living in the home city of Outkast), was sitting in the office when the owner walked into the hall to deal with a member of our Patron Saint's entourage. Ms. Jackson "followed to gawk". Of all the things in a strip club at which to gawk, Ms. Jackson wants to go see Pacman and his entourage. Bad idea number 1. At that point, an argument ensued (don't they always). Bad idea number 2. Allegedly, our almighty Patron Saint lunged at Ms. Jackson and punched her in the left eye.
Now, if you are going to be wandering around in a strip club with the ever present Pacman, you have to learn that anything, and I mean anything, could happen. Despite being privileged to move around in locales about which the rest of us can only dream, lawyers think they can do anything, but they can't. And that is reason number 2 why we hate lawyers:
THEY CANNOT TAKE A PUNCH!
If they could, Ms. Jackson would have just given back to Pacman as good as she (allegedly) received, a scuffle would have occurred, and then they would have gone back out to the front and had beers together. (Or someone would have been stabbed or shot - who knows). Instead, Ms. Jackson asked for an arrest warrant against our Patron Saint. The nerve. Lawyers will do anything to keep our Patron Saint off the field.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Reason #1 We Hate American Hockey Fans
The readers of this blog may wonder why I actually went through the (admittedly minimal) time and effort of my last post. Well, first it was actually a legitimate post critiquing the NHL. Second, it was pretty much a set up for this post.
While hanging with my boy Alvaro having some wings and beer and watching the Maryland-Duke basketball game, we noticed that the NHL All-Star game was actually on one of the televisions in the sports bar. A kid next to me, already having quenched most of his thirst this evening, starts talking to us about the hockey game. Apparently, this kid (around 25 but acting 16) played hockey somewhere in Ohio where his family is "known in the local hockey community". He played some small college club hockey, and still plays in some adult club leagues now (and yes, they do have hockey leagues in Florida). He also made it known that he was a dual citizen - United States and Switzerland. I guess if war ever broke out in the Vatican he could claim U.S. status rather than having to guard the Pope.
Anyway, Alvaro has a theory as to why hockey is not very popular in the U.S, because most of the great players are not American. Swiss Miss then proceeds to tell us why this is. "Because the way the bigger American players are taught to play has been legislated out of the league. Things like clutching-and-grabbing aren't allowed, so the Americans that grew up playing clutch-and-grab defense cannot make it to the professional level. However, the Europeans grow up playing a wide open style of hockey, which is being rewarded by the NHL." Now, Swiss Miss may be right, but he was indignant about it. Almost as if he wanted to say, "How dare the NHL keep less skilled players from bullying those that actually have more speed and talent." Like each sport doesn't try to showcase those players that actually have talent and skill over those less talented (the Pat Riley era Knicks notwithstanding). What a dope. This guy probably likes soccer's offside rule as well. The reason we hate hockey fans like this guy is:
THEY ACTUALLY THINK THEIR FAVORITE SPORT IS RELEVANT!
The NHL All-Star game was showing on one television out of 80 in this bar. ONE! The people were watching the Duke-Maryland basketball game (which by the way, if you haven't seen Bambale Osby play - make sure you catch him).
If the NHL is ever going to be popular in the United States it needs to: (1) Play on a real network; (2) reward the most skilled players - or at least not hinder the most skilled players; (3) find somehow for the true athleticism of the players to be showcased through the television camera; and (4) have hockey fans like Swiss Miss shut their traps until they actually know about what they are talking.
While hanging with my boy Alvaro having some wings and beer and watching the Maryland-Duke basketball game, we noticed that the NHL All-Star game was actually on one of the televisions in the sports bar. A kid next to me, already having quenched most of his thirst this evening, starts talking to us about the hockey game. Apparently, this kid (around 25 but acting 16) played hockey somewhere in Ohio where his family is "known in the local hockey community". He played some small college club hockey, and still plays in some adult club leagues now (and yes, they do have hockey leagues in Florida). He also made it known that he was a dual citizen - United States and Switzerland. I guess if war ever broke out in the Vatican he could claim U.S. status rather than having to guard the Pope.
Anyway, Alvaro has a theory as to why hockey is not very popular in the U.S, because most of the great players are not American. Swiss Miss then proceeds to tell us why this is. "Because the way the bigger American players are taught to play has been legislated out of the league. Things like clutching-and-grabbing aren't allowed, so the Americans that grew up playing clutch-and-grab defense cannot make it to the professional level. However, the Europeans grow up playing a wide open style of hockey, which is being rewarded by the NHL." Now, Swiss Miss may be right, but he was indignant about it. Almost as if he wanted to say, "How dare the NHL keep less skilled players from bullying those that actually have more speed and talent." Like each sport doesn't try to showcase those players that actually have talent and skill over those less talented (the Pat Riley era Knicks notwithstanding). What a dope. This guy probably likes soccer's offside rule as well. The reason we hate hockey fans like this guy is:
THEY ACTUALLY THINK THEIR FAVORITE SPORT IS RELEVANT!
The NHL All-Star game was showing on one television out of 80 in this bar. ONE! The people were watching the Duke-Maryland basketball game (which by the way, if you haven't seen Bambale Osby play - make sure you catch him).
If the NHL is ever going to be popular in the United States it needs to: (1) Play on a real network; (2) reward the most skilled players - or at least not hinder the most skilled players; (3) find somehow for the true athleticism of the players to be showcased through the television camera; and (4) have hockey fans like Swiss Miss shut their traps until they actually know about what they are talking.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Reason #1 We Hate Lawyers
Welcome to the first installment of what is sure to be a recurring theme in this blog - reasons we hate stuff. In this episode, you will learn reason #1 why we hate lawyers. Now - just so everyone is on the same page, unlike my much smarter colleagues Hopps and Sinickal, I am an attorney - and have been one for some time now. And although I have come across a few who might actually seem normal, most of them are people around whom I would never, ever, want to hang. Here is reason #1 why ....
THE ARE COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED FROM REALITY!!!
I absolutely mean this to be true. Most lawyers live within their own legal realm, where everything is neither black nor white, but rather simply analogy and distinguishing of why things are particular shades of grey. Where things may happen, but technicalities determine whether or not we ever hear of the occurrence of these events. Now this isn't a rant on whether or not the technicalities are proper or not, or whether the constitution is too lenient or not, those rants may occur some other day (well, probably not). This is about how lawyers have cut the synapses in their brain that allow them to think like humans instead of lawyers. Here is my story ...
So I have a hearing in the Broward County Courthouse the other day. Those of you intelligent readers will note that this is the same courthouse where the Anna Nicole Smith debacle, err trial, occurred. While I am awaiting to enter the Judges chambers, I hear another attorney speaking on his cell phone. Now, because he is on his cell phone, I only hear one side of the conversation, but I am able to discern the back story. The attorney in the courthouse (the one I can hear and see), practices family law, but one of his clients or former clients was injured in an automobile accident. That client asks the family law attorney for a referral. The attorney on the other line was the attorney to whom Mr. Family Law was going to refer the case - we will call him Mr. Trial Attorney.
Now - part of the back story that I can infer is that Mr. Trial Attorney not only does personal injury cases, but also is a criminal defense attorney. Now before anyone gets sidetracks as to whether or not criminal defense attorneys are evil for defending criminals, or just doing their part to protect rights of all people, innocents and criminals, this story actually isn't about Mr. Trial Attorney, but about Mr. Family Law. See, Mr. Trial Attorney is currently defending a father who was accused of strangling his son (or step-son, I couldn't really make out the details, since I wasn't on the telephone call). After hearing this, Mr. Family Law then says, wait for it .....
Why would he strangle his step-son? I mean, why do the prosecutors say he strangled his step-son?!!!!
Yes I understand that attorneys deal with "allegations", which they try to prove or disprove as facts, and that even the media reports on the "allegations" of a case. For example, Michael Vick was "ALLEGEDLY" involved in dogfighting (well, at least before his guilty plea). But, Mr. Family Law doesn't say anything like: (1) Man, that is a big case, how is it going?; (2) That must be a tough situation to have to go through.; (3) I couldn't imagine being accused of killing my own child; or any of the other countless human reactions that could have been made. Instead - he responds with, "Why do the prosecutors say he strangled his step-son?". If he wanted to speak in legal parlance, he could have asked what did the prosecutors have as evidence, or did they have a motive, but no, he wasn't even talking shop. Just utterly ridiculous.
At least he didn't have this telephone conversation in the hallway of the courthouse with about a hundred people around - oh wait he did. Well, at least his family law clients weren't around to hear his callousness. Oh, never mind - they were. (Never mind the fact that he was ignoring his clients that were next to him in person to speak to someone on the telephone).
It is attitudes like his that give the rest of us lawyers a bad name - well, mostly deserved actually, but that is Reason #1 why we hate lawyers.
Thanks for reading our blog, and look for more exciting, funny and colorful posts than this - but also look for more rants to come.
Pepster
THE ARE COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED FROM REALITY!!!
I absolutely mean this to be true. Most lawyers live within their own legal realm, where everything is neither black nor white, but rather simply analogy and distinguishing of why things are particular shades of grey. Where things may happen, but technicalities determine whether or not we ever hear of the occurrence of these events. Now this isn't a rant on whether or not the technicalities are proper or not, or whether the constitution is too lenient or not, those rants may occur some other day (well, probably not). This is about how lawyers have cut the synapses in their brain that allow them to think like humans instead of lawyers. Here is my story ...
So I have a hearing in the Broward County Courthouse the other day. Those of you intelligent readers will note that this is the same courthouse where the Anna Nicole Smith debacle, err trial, occurred. While I am awaiting to enter the Judges chambers, I hear another attorney speaking on his cell phone. Now, because he is on his cell phone, I only hear one side of the conversation, but I am able to discern the back story. The attorney in the courthouse (the one I can hear and see), practices family law, but one of his clients or former clients was injured in an automobile accident. That client asks the family law attorney for a referral. The attorney on the other line was the attorney to whom Mr. Family Law was going to refer the case - we will call him Mr. Trial Attorney.
Now - part of the back story that I can infer is that Mr. Trial Attorney not only does personal injury cases, but also is a criminal defense attorney. Now before anyone gets sidetracks as to whether or not criminal defense attorneys are evil for defending criminals, or just doing their part to protect rights of all people, innocents and criminals, this story actually isn't about Mr. Trial Attorney, but about Mr. Family Law. See, Mr. Trial Attorney is currently defending a father who was accused of strangling his son (or step-son, I couldn't really make out the details, since I wasn't on the telephone call). After hearing this, Mr. Family Law then says, wait for it .....
Why would he strangle his step-son? I mean, why do the prosecutors say he strangled his step-son?!!!!
Yes I understand that attorneys deal with "allegations", which they try to prove or disprove as facts, and that even the media reports on the "allegations" of a case. For example, Michael Vick was "ALLEGEDLY" involved in dogfighting (well, at least before his guilty plea). But, Mr. Family Law doesn't say anything like: (1) Man, that is a big case, how is it going?; (2) That must be a tough situation to have to go through.; (3) I couldn't imagine being accused of killing my own child; or any of the other countless human reactions that could have been made. Instead - he responds with, "Why do the prosecutors say he strangled his step-son?". If he wanted to speak in legal parlance, he could have asked what did the prosecutors have as evidence, or did they have a motive, but no, he wasn't even talking shop. Just utterly ridiculous.
At least he didn't have this telephone conversation in the hallway of the courthouse with about a hundred people around - oh wait he did. Well, at least his family law clients weren't around to hear his callousness. Oh, never mind - they were. (Never mind the fact that he was ignoring his clients that were next to him in person to speak to someone on the telephone).
It is attitudes like his that give the rest of us lawyers a bad name - well, mostly deserved actually, but that is Reason #1 why we hate lawyers.
Thanks for reading our blog, and look for more exciting, funny and colorful posts than this - but also look for more rants to come.
Pepster
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