Reason #1 We Hate Lawyers

Welcome to the first installment of what is sure to be a recurring theme in this blog - reasons we hate stuff. In this episode, you will learn reason #1 why we hate lawyers. Now - just so everyone is on the same page, unlike my much smarter colleagues Hopps and Sinickal, I am an attorney - and have been one for some time now. And although I have come across a few who might actually seem normal, most of them are people around whom I would never, ever, want to hang. Here is reason #1 why ....

THE ARE COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED FROM REALITY!!!

I absolutely mean this to be true. Most lawyers live within their own legal realm, where everything is neither black nor white, but rather simply analogy and distinguishing of why things are particular shades of grey. Where things may happen, but technicalities determine whether or not we ever hear of the occurrence of these events. Now this isn't a rant on whether or not the technicalities are proper or not, or whether the constitution is too lenient or not, those rants may occur some other day (well, probably not). This is about how lawyers have cut the synapses in their brain that allow them to think like humans instead of lawyers. Here is my story ...

So I have a hearing in the Broward County Courthouse the other day. Those of you intelligent readers will note that this is the same courthouse where the Anna Nicole Smith debacle, err trial, occurred. While I am awaiting to enter the Judges chambers, I hear another attorney speaking on his cell phone. Now, because he is on his cell phone, I only hear one side of the conversation, but I am able to discern the back story. The attorney in the courthouse (the one I can hear and see), practices family law, but one of his clients or former clients was injured in an automobile accident. That client asks the family law attorney for a referral. The attorney on the other line was the attorney to whom Mr. Family Law was going to refer the case - we will call him Mr. Trial Attorney.

Now - part of the back story that I can infer is that Mr. Trial Attorney not only does personal injury cases, but also is a criminal defense attorney. Now before anyone gets sidetracks as to whether or not criminal defense attorneys are evil for defending criminals, or just doing their part to protect rights of all people, innocents and criminals, this story actually isn't about Mr. Trial Attorney, but about Mr. Family Law. See, Mr. Trial Attorney is currently defending a father who was accused of strangling his son (or step-son, I couldn't really make out the details, since I wasn't on the telephone call). After hearing this, Mr. Family Law then says, wait for it .....

Why would he strangle his step-son? I mean, why do the prosecutors say he strangled his step-son?!!!!

Yes I understand that attorneys deal with "allegations", which they try to prove or disprove as facts, and that even the media reports on the "allegations" of a case. For example, Michael Vick was "ALLEGEDLY" involved in dogfighting (well, at least before his guilty plea). But, Mr. Family Law doesn't say anything like: (1) Man, that is a big case, how is it going?; (2) That must be a tough situation to have to go through.; (3) I couldn't imagine being accused of killing my own child; or any of the other countless human reactions that could have been made. Instead - he responds with, "Why do the prosecutors say he strangled his step-son?". If he wanted to speak in legal parlance, he could have asked what did the prosecutors have as evidence, or did they have a motive, but no, he wasn't even talking shop. Just utterly ridiculous.

At least he didn't have this telephone conversation in the hallway of the courthouse with about a hundred people around - oh wait he did. Well, at least his family law clients weren't around to hear his callousness. Oh, never mind - they were. (Never mind the fact that he was ignoring his clients that were next to him in person to speak to someone on the telephone).

It is attitudes like his that give the rest of us lawyers a bad name - well, mostly deserved actually, but that is Reason #1 why we hate lawyers.

Thanks for reading our blog, and look for more exciting, funny and colorful posts than this - but also look for more rants to come.

Pepster