Bad Football Weekend Diary

I had the distinct, ummm ......, let's call it honor, of being able to spend almost the entire last weekend enjoying football live. The first game was the last game (almost) of the Orange Bowl. I say almost, because apparently Florida International University still has a game or two, but it was the U's last game at the OB. It really wasn't - Miami had already played their last game at the OB, given their inability to show up for the Virginia game, but more on that later. On Sunday, I had the opportunity to watch the Buffalo Bills game against the Miami Dolphins. This was exciting because it is one of the few legitimate opportunities for the Dolphins to win this year. In the interest of full disclosure, I am a staunch Hurricane fan, but I am neither a fan nor a hater of the Dolphins.

This weekend came about because my friends Christian and Debbie S. have Dolphin season tickets, club level, but are also graduates of the University of Virginia. The big group (mostly Virginia fans) was going to rent a bus to the 'Canes game. Since we were doing both games, Christian, Debbie, Hannah (hereinafter "Racecar" - figure it out) and myself were going to drive to Miami, check into the hotel, have the bus pick us up, go to the game, have the bus drop us off at the hotel, then wake up and drive to the Dolphins game. Not a bad plan at all.

Here is what transpired:

Saturday, November 10, 2007

1:45 p.m. - Christian and Debbie pick us up at Racecar's house. I completely forgot that the University of Virginia celebrates football in style. Christian in a coat and tie, Debbie completely dressed up. We get in the car in our T-Shirt and shorts. Side note, Racecar is a Gator. Neither the 'Canes or Gators really celebrate football in the full Southern tradition. Although football is an institution at the University of Florida, and everyone in Gainesville loves UF Football, it isn't as formal as at UVa, or Auburn, etc.

2:55 p.m. - Check in the Hotel.

3:00 p.m. - While changing clothes (different T-Shirt), I start flipping through the television channels to find some college football. I found something much better, Karate Kid II, on Telemundo.

3:01 p.m. - Confirmation that the bus has left West Palm Beach.

3:12 p.m. - To 7-11 for some "refreshments". Although the cooler is packed, that is for Sunday's game. The bus is stocked, but it isn't here yet. Plus, I figured I might be able to find some Hurricane Malt liquor in honor of the game. Wrong. Old English has to do.

3:51 p.m. - After tiring of Spanish language television and some boring college football, I stumble upon I'm Gonna Get You Sucka. What a way to start what was supposed to be a football weekend. I almost want to watch this movie and skip the game. Almost.

4:07 p.m. - Bus arrives. Almost everyone is already tanked. Especially Kyle.

4:17 p.m. - Kyle begins passing out beers to others on the bus. We think he had a few for himself.

This is a good time to mention the mixed drinks on the bus, or shall I say mixed drink. Only one concoction in a water cooler - the Peanut Island Leg Spreader. It also goes by a couple of other names, that due to legal considerations, seriously - no joke, I cannot mention. Just a fascinating potable, and very accurately named. I think Kyle must have had more than his share at this point. More on Kyle later.

5:08 p.m. - Near the Orange Bowl - fans, mostly students, walking by the bus. A couple of the younger guys on the bus are fascinated by two particular young Miami students and can't stop themselves from staring. One of the riders on the bus (I didn't see who said it) says, "Put your Man Boobs on the window to try to impress the Miami girls". Thankfully for all of us, and for the Miami girls, he didn't.

Just mostly generic drinking and enjoying ourselves.

5:46 p.m. - Racecar comes back from the restroom and relays this conversation among two girls that she heard. Girl 1 says that she was going to the Dolphins game tomorrow with a weatherman's son. Girl 2 - "Let it Rain"! We here at We Make It Rain applaud the response!

6:15 p.m. - I decide to use one of the inconveniently positioned facilities outside the tailgate area. While standing in line, I notice someone that honestly looks like a vagrant slumped on the sidewalk leaning against the fence that encloses the "parking area" for the tailgates. About 6 of Metro-Dade's finest are checking on this man. (After some debate about whether he is a man or a woman, we find out that he is in fact a man). One is kicking his legs (the guy is sitting indian style) trying to get a reaction, while another is pouring water on his face. After about a half dozen kicks and two or three pours of water, the man tries to get up. Even though it is incredibly difficult for him, he finally manages to stand (in real time, this whole episode takes about 7 or 8 minutes). When he stands, a couple of the officers give the "Touchdown" sign, and the guy proceeds to fall headfirst onto the sidewalk. Eventually the police move the guy, around the corner against the same fence, where he remains at least until I go into the stadium. Bizarre. Why they didn't arrest him and take him to the drunk tank or at least call for EMS I have no idea. This guy could have hurt himself or someone else. I am surprised that he didn't seriously hurt himself when he fell.

6:23 p.m. - Talk to the people in line around me. The girl in front of me is a UM grad student, who graduated from the University of Vermont. At some point in time, I am able to mention something about how I wasn't particularly worried about being stabbed by a UM fan. She isn't amused, as apparently she was friends with the UVM student that was recently kidnapped and murdered. My humble apologies for upsetting her like that. How could I have known? The older couple behind me mention something about how the line needs to hurry. I mention that I just might stay in for 10 minutes to make them mad. The guy goes, "Don't worry about it. I just walked from Pennsylvania and held it the whole way. What does ten more minutes mean?

This seems like a good time to mention that I was on the bizarre jersey watch. I saw a ton of Michael Irvin, Ed Reed, Ray Lewis, Jeremy Shockey - pros and college jerseys. Then out of nowhere appeared a Yatil Green. Huh? Out of all the talent Miami has produced in the past, Yatil Green?

6:41 p.m. - First noticeably audible playing of Soulja Boy's "Crank That". I figure I should do a running tally. Right now - Soulja Boy Tally is at 1. The White Person Soulja Boy Tally is also at one. Not pretty. If you don't know this song - by all means - check it out. If you don't know what it means - boy are you in for a treat.

6:53 p.m. - Enter the stadium. Great seats - halfway up the bottom section at the 48 yard line. Thanks Christian and Debbie.

Festivities include the announcing of the Miami seniors by none other than Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. His duties include the announcing of one player's major - "Ocean Pictures". Gotta love the "U".

7:14 p.m. - First beer that we pay for inside the stadium. The ID checker is hilarious. Its almost as if he hasn't had anyone order a MGD before.

7:32 - Virginia TD. 7-0.

7:56 - Virginia TD. 14-0.

8:10 - Virginia FG. 17-0.

8:19 - Virginia TD. 24-0. It is officially ugly.

8:30 p.m. - Talking to Christian about the game. We decide Miami needs to run Cooper more. The very next play - Cooper rushes for 25 yards. Is there hope?

8:32 p.m. Nope!

Soulja Boy Tally up to 2.

Time Unknown - Missed Virginia TD getting beer.

Halftime festivities include the honoring of several of Miami's greats: George Mira, Ottis Anderson, Bennie Blades, Russell Maryland, Gino Torretta, Darren Smith and Andre Johnson included.

At this time I figured I should mention that if the U, and Miami, wanted to do it right, then Pitbull should be giving the halftime performance, perhaps with a cameo by Trick Daddy. Will S., Christian's younger brother and a Virginia student, states that the halftime performance basically mirrors UM's game performance.

9:23 p.m. - Another Virginia TD.

9:29 p.m. - Miami's first real play.

9:43 - Go to the concession stand for more beer and a hot dog. When we get there, the concessionaires say that they can't serve beer anymore. (Where was the last call?). They get 2 hot dogs, place them on the counter, and I pull out a $10 bill. The dogs were $4 a piece. The concessionaires then say, sorry, we can only take exact change, and put the dogs back into the warmer. Ridiculous. The fourth quarter just started!!!! Relay this story about 4 dozen times to those back in the seats. No wonder this stadium is being destroyed.

10:35 - Rip up two seats, then see a security guard and a police officer looking right at me. I do the most logical thing, I walk right up to the guard and ask if I can just take the seat. He says, predictably, no. At least they didn't arrest me for ripping the two seats off the bleachers.

10:37 - Our section is now noticeably empty, even for a rout. Notice that reason our section was empty was because of the number of leg spreaders drank by Kyle, who has evacuated his stomach onto the seats about 5 rows in front of us. Move away.

Go back to the bus. Grab a spicy sausage from a vendor along the way.

During the trip to the hotel, Debbie mentions that she thinks the blowout win for Virginia was a good thing, and not just because she wanted them to win. She opines that a blowout by Virginia was the only thing that could deflate the energy from the crowd enough to keep them from rioting. I think I agree.

Time Unknown - Pass Out.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

First thing, We Make It Rain supports all the Veterans from the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard, Merchant Marine and National Guards! THANK YOU!

7:45 a.m. - Racecar's friend, Cheryl, goes into labor in Charleston, South Carolina. Congratulations to you and Jason.

7:46 - 9 a.m. - Not quite awake yet, so time to watch bad tv, which includes Run's House. Great episode in which Diggy has 2 "girlfriends" over to visit constantly. One is white and the other is black. One of them is Ja Rule's daughter. (Guess which one she is). Diggy is 12.

9:04 a.m. - Call from Debbie. We are going to meet for breakfast buffet in 15 minutes. Get dressed. While getting dressed, Alicia Keys video comes on. Racecar notes that "no matter how she tries to present herself, she looks masculine". My response ... "Perhaps its her penis."

9:22 - Breakfast buffet includes steak!!!!! God Bless the Holiday Inn.

10:00 - Christian has an online class until 11.

11:03 - Even though Christian's class is still going on, we pack our stuff into his car, and get ready to go to Dolphin stadium.

11:07 - Christian's class ends.

11:17 - Park at the stadium, set up canopy. Drink beer. Nice Sierra Nevada Pale Ale to start the day.

11:32 - Our cohorts, Kim, Jack, Shannon and Buck arrive. Buck immediately relays his travel conversation which included talk of Cleveland Steamers and "sexcrement". Glad I missed that ride. Worried though, since that car had all of our tailgate food.

11:37 - The tailgate next to us arrives, which includes O.J. McDuffie. Yes, the former NFL great O.J. McDuffie. Well, at least the former Penn State "great" and former NFL "good" O.J. McDuffie. Huge party there. Lots of music. The tunes are good party-starting music- Janet, Blackstreet, lots of old R&B. I then remark to the rest of my group, particularly Racecar, the difference between a Florida tailgate and a Miami tailgate .... more rhythm.

11:41 - Generic guy "fantasy football" talk. I mention that since the Bucs were on a bye, I had to pick up the Bills Defense. One guy who had Lee Evans then says, I guess we are all rooting for the Bills. I reply, I'll take a 3-0 Dolphins score.

Another random jersey watch. There were the typical Bills and Dolphins jerseys. Marino, Ronnie Brown (complete with trick knee), Jason Taylor, Zach Thomas (with and without concussion), Roscoe Parrish, Paul Posluszny, LT. But one particularly took the cake. Your former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development - JACK KEMP!

11:43 a.m. - Soulja Boy Tally is up to 3.

11:45 a.m. - Realize that Buck has gotten sick twice already. In his defense, he was at a wedding the night before. Kyle and Buck - that sounds like a combo to get sick from drinking.

Lots of beer flows.

1:04 - Game starts - nobody really notices.

1:17 p.m. - Jesse Chatman throws up on the field, then is taken to the locker room. Apparently throwing up is the theme for the weekend.

1:34 p.m. - Racecar stubs her toe on the asphalt on the way to get more beers. Breaks off half of her toenail, and cuts into her big toe so much that she will probably need stitches. It really doesn't look pleasant. I fight the urge to pull a Kyle, Buck and Jesse Chatman. Go to the infirmary in section 156.

2:01 p.m. - Return from the infirmary. People question where we were for so long. Reply that we were looking for a quiet place for a quickie, and that we found one in section 156.

2:05 p.m. - Kim and Jack discuss finding section 156.

2:24 p.m. - Kim and Jack realize that Racecar hurt her toe.

2:29 p.m. Kim and Jack just realize that section 156 was the infirmary.

3:03 p.m. - Score is 3-2. Even better than my earlier wish, because the Bills Defense got a safety. Now is probably a good time to mention (WARNING - only actual football analysis of this game) that Chris Kelsey is having one helluva game.

Since the game is so boring - nothing really to report.

3:52 p.m. - A girl in a Marshawn Lynch jersey is taken away in cuffs from section 431. Crowd cheers.

Game ends - mercifully - at least for the fans. Continue the tailgate until the parking lot is empty, or until it starts to rain, whichever comes first.

A big thank you to Christian and Debbie for the tickets and the ride. It was a great weekend, the horrific games notwithstanding.